OK so I’ve been ordered to have a good old fink about what I’m expecting from my holiday. So it’s trusty list time!

• Holy fuck I’ve never been bothered about flights until recently, now I’m not only worried about the 14 hours on a cheap airline, but I’m also nervous that the illegal drugs I’ve acquired to… ahhh, wait… ummm… maybe I shouldn’t have gone here. Um. Well, I might have possibly um, come into the possession of some sleeping tablets. It’s not exactly like they’re badger/horse tranquilisers so shurrup! Anyway, my concern is that I’m gonna go on some sort of brain addled rampage on the plane and have to be restrained. However if they restrain me in first class then it’s not all bad, right?
• Anyway I tried one of the ‘sleeping tablets’ (notice the quotes there) and it kept me awake, so it wouldn’t fricking well surprise me if the tablets turn out to be some sort of horsey stimulant or sommit.
• So, in total I’ve got 5 days in Chile which I’m looking forward to as it’s 30degrees there woohoo it’s bun-toasting time! I’ll probably need this time to even out the tan marks I’ll have all over my face from the Ozone issue.
• The ozone issue is that I’m basically going to be bombarded from space by suntan rays or something more technical. This means I’m going to have the joint pleasure of freezing to death whilst burning to a crisp!
• The ozone issue also means that my photos might not come out very good. This isn’t a bad thing as if the weather is so crap that all I do for 10days is hurl on the god telephone then I can blame the “ozone issue” on all my photos looking rubbish.
• The totally stupid Japanese might harpoon me/something cute with a blowhole that I’m filming.
• If I *do* get there without dying and it *is* possible to see a penguin or ice or something then wow it’s going to be great, I think. I think it’s going to be slightly traumatic for everyone else on the ship as I only have room in my suitcase for the 700quid coyote/dog/hooman coat and nothing else. So basically I’m going to look like a stork in a parka (big coat, skinny bare legs, no pants).
• I have no idea what to expect, at all. No idea. But I’m not at work woohoo!