People eat snails right?

Well today I achieved a big goal, I ran 11k. Now, I know that’s not a marathon, I know it’s not actually that amazing really, but as you remember, none of you matter and I’m ruler of the universe so kiss my sweaty ass.

Anyway, the experience leads me to pass on some top tips to you lard asses who might one day dream of treading the lonely road into the distance where the sky is bl… sorry, got a bit carried away. Anyway, first the big list of good reasons to run…

  1. There really aren’t any to be honest
  2. I suppose, it’s quite nice to be running near fields with wildlife and stuff. I saw piggies today and surprised some cows (although I’d barely got my hand up to my wrist let alone shoulder before it ran off)
  3. Eventually it’s over and you can die

As for the bad reasons

  1. If you see a can of Diamond White by the side of the road, it’s not worth checking to see if it’s empty. The same goes for a McDonalds Rolo Milkshake container. On that point, what the hell is the universe thinking of by taunting me with this sort of rubbish that just makes me think of how nice it’d be to be sitting on my ass drinking milkshake?
  2. Some cars don’t give me enough room. When I’m running and a car gets too close I ought to be able to zap it with something. Then it careers off the road, bursts into flames and the driver realises his mistake as he burns to a crisp.
  3. I live in an Escher universe. My run starts off horizontal, then goes up hill, then more up hill, along a bit, then more up hill…. and then I arrive home. That’s unpossible and downright unfair.
  4. When you listen to music on iPod, you forget to breathe.
  5. Forgetting to breathe is a bad thing when running.
  6. On the subject of breathing, when you breathe in through your nose it turns out you’re near a smelly cow, if you breathe in through your mouth then you’ll end up eating a fly. If you breathe through your ears then you’re gonna go blue, fall over and get humped by a passing hobo.
  7. Sometimes my running is so painful I breathe through my ears.
  8. I could go on about penis chaffing, but I quite like you all, so I’ll finish on the most important point…
  9. Slugs are not energy food