Tag Archives: zombie max brooks zombie survival machete

Never leave home without your machete

Listen carefully, this is going to be important one day, hopefully soon.

When, not if, when… mankind is attacked by zombies (oi, stop scoffing, you won’t be laughing when some undead bugger is munching on your leg!) you’ll need to be prepared. I’ve just finished reading Zombie Survival Guide so I have some basic advice for you.

  1. You basically have two choices, do you stay at home or do you flee.
    1. If you decide to stay, think about the safest part of your house. No, it isn’t hiding under the stairs or in your fridge. At the first sign of an attack, you need to get all your supplies, some of your loved ones (yeh, the cats) and your butt upstairs in your house as soon as possible.
    2. Then fill your bath and sinks. You never know when the water supply is going to run out and trust me, toilet water, even with a loo-bloo in it, doesn’t taste nice.
    3. Now this is going to take some trust, because I now need you to destroy your staircase. So I hope you have an axe/chainsaw. Yes yes I know it’s your staircase and you only have one and how are you going to get down and you only just replaced the carpet, but you have bigger problems right now, hungry undead ghouls. So get destroying and you’re going to be safe. Well, safe until you accidently burn house down, run out of supplies or forget you destroyed the staircase and fall down it when you pop down for a glass of water at 2am.
    4. You can now survive upstairs for as long as you have food. I hope you brought lots of canned food as that has water in it as well. I do hope you haven’t brought your laptop/iPod/coffee machine/dishwasher or anything else unless you have some sort of bicycle powered generator?
    5. Stay active! Practice chopping zombies heads off with your machete, clean your primary weapon (urrr, gun) regularly, keep a positive frame of mind, hopefully you have books to keep your mind from the thought of being tasty nom.
    6. Whatever you do, keep quiet, don’t show yourself at a window, don’t turn on any lights. Don’t just fear the undead, you need to worry about looters and panicking members of the great unwashed who want to come to your sanctuary… keep them out! More people = more noise = more zombies = more biting = more zombies.
  2. Eventually though, we both know it… you’re going to run out of CurlyWurlys. The day of the apocalypse is now truly nigh. So, you’re going to have to flee…
    1. Don’t just flee somewhere screaming, you need to flee screaming to a particular destination that you’ve already planned, hopefully placed supplies at and know how to find.
    2. Make sure your backpack with your supplies isn’t too heavy as don’t forget… you’re going to be fleeing. No, you may not bring Mr SnugglesWorth or your cuddly blanker. It’s a tough decision but you need to let your pets fend for themselves. We both know they’re going to do better than you.
    3. Never, ever travel at night. *smack* for even thinking it!
    4. Keep well away from urban areas. If you see other people, avoid them. It’s just you and Mr Snugglesworth, wait, did you bring the damned cat!?!?!?!, anyway, it’s just you against the world. Other people are just tasty nom for the zombies.
    5. Head somewhere bloody remote. Make sure it’s not your first choice… because there is a good chance that other people will have come to the same conclusion and you don’t want to be near anyone else. Cold is good, as zombies freeze easier than us as they don’t have any warm blood supply (apart from what they eat hehe)
    6. A boat might be a good idea, you can fish from it, you can purify water… but the salt air is going to destroy everything over time and so it’s not a permanent option. And also you’re going to go bloody mad on a boat even with Mr Snugglesworth for company. And also he’ll eat most of the fish.
    7. Never make any noise, try to scream quietly. Zombies moan when they see people, a bit like me when I see Jade Goody. When they moan, they attract other zombies, who in turn attract more zombies. You know where I’m going here, just keep it quiet
    8. Once arrived at your destination, never, ever relax. Individual zombies may only survive a few years until they rot, but with constant new infections there is a chance that the undead will roam the earth moaning for many decades. Never “go outside your safe area just to see what’s happening”. Just make do with what you have. Looters and bandits are going to be as much of a problem as zombies. As for Zombie Jehovahs Witnesses… well… I won’t go there, just be very afraid.
    9. Good luck rebuilding mankind! I’m glad Mr Snugglesworth made it

It’s a really good book! Buy it!

UPDATE: Sigh, I thought at last the day was upon us! The BBC today announced a massive swarm of zombies!!!! It turned out to just be computers infected with a virus. Sigh, I wanna destroy the undead’s brains!