Jesus Holy Christ,
About two weeks ago, I found a snake under my sofa. Not a worm, not a curled up poo, a snake. An *actual* snake.
See, that’s not OK, it’s not allowed. This is England, not some scary country with wild animals in it (apart from the chavs of course).
So, knowing that, you’ll understand my reaction today when I went for a run (it went well, mainly, thanks) and I had an incident.
You see, I was attacked four times. The first few times might seem minor to you “pff that’s not a real attack” you’ll be thinking when I tell you that on three separate occasions flies flew into my eyes.
Look, wait, stop raising those eyebrows. I was totally concentrating on breathing and running so that I didn’t die. When you’re doing that and something gets in your eye it’s a total pain in the ass/eye and you suddenly realise how hard it is to put one leg in front of another and breath at the same time so that this doesn’t happen…
After a while I manage to scoop the final fly out of my eye (mmm tasty, you need calories) and carry on running…
I’m on a road at this point, no pavement, cars driving past every now and again and some of them containing people that deserve to die in fireballs in a ditch.
At a particular narrow point in the road, I spot a bird flying over my head.
About a second later I GET ATTACKED BY A SNAKE.
Now, if you’re intelligent like me, you’ll realise that the worst thing possible has happened, yes snakes have evolved and grown wings. Mankind’s rule of the planet is over.
The snake somehow manages to attach itself to the cables of my iPod, my life span is now being measured in seconds, I need to think fast and act even quicker. I do the only sensible thing…
I freak out and do a completely stupid dance across the road whilst making primeval noises.
Now you probably remember that I’m currently basically a pedestrian on a road with cars on it, what the flying fuck they think I’m doing I have no idea, if they thought I was a total loony then they’d basically be right. Why one of the drivers didn’t put me out of my misery by running me over repeatedly I don’t know, inconsiderate sod!
The “snake” then dropped off me and I was able to regain some sort of sweaty composure. Did you notice how I wrote “snake” in italics back then? Yeh, because it was a twig. A fricking bird dropped a twig on me, the twig got stuck in my iPod cables and I did the hokey cokey across a road whilst whimpering like a blouse.