This Post Comes with A Parental Advisory Warning

OK prepare yourself.

Are you worldy enough, do you have an open mind… to consider man-on-animal love?

Now, I bet you’ve been immediately repulsed and gone “ewwww, I knew that Pete guy was always just wrong!”, but wait, wait a second.

This painting below is beautiful art right? It’s a gorgeous oil painting, it’s very famous, it’s about a *god*, it’s mythology… there is nothing wrong about this at all, because it’s *art*.So, if that photo of the Greek god Zeus visiting Leda and showing her a beaking good time is acceptable….

Then surely, so is this?Stop saying “ewwww”!!!!!

Anyway, just before you call the police, let me explain. On our way to Cornwall, we stopped off at the Swannery in Abbotsbury. It’s home to the only colony of nesting mute swans open to the public in the world, we were tempted in by lots of signs saying “Baby Swans”, now who the hell wouldn’t be tempted at that!

I was slightly miffed at first at having to pay something like 14quid to go and look at a bunch of birds, but the weather was nice and Bob the Killer Robin gave me a good photo opportunity…

Don’t ever anger Bob! hehehe. Anyway, so as we got to the swannery it was impossible not to notice the huge crowds of people caked in mud each with a 12kg FRICKING SWAN attached to their chests like some sort of post modern brooch! It turns out that it was the bi-annual swan upping/counting thing they do! So we edged closer to the fence and watched, then someone said “you’re OK to go beyond the fence”, so we edged over the fence and closed in, then someone said “what are you waiting for? go get a swan!”


Everyone, absolutely everyone knows that Swans Can Break A Mans Arm. My sisters had been horribly savaged (ok, I think maybe just chased) by a swan as children and if you knew my sisters you’d understand that swans can inflict life long traumas.

But, what an opportunity! So let me introduce you to Bert, the swan I was, um, well, kissing, in the photo above.
Awwwww! It’s a swan! He liked his neck being stroked! It’s a swan!!!!! We had to carry Bert from station to station where he was weighed, sexed, injected and had his tag checked. It was so cool! His heart beat was like thumpthumpthumpthumpthump against you and whenever he spotted the water his legs waggled and wagggggled!

The slight problem arose when ‘Bert’ was being sexed and they pointed out he was a she. But if Jordan can call her new brat Princess Tiaamii then a female swan can be called Bert!

Was a real life affirming experience. Good luck Bert! Come and visit me one dayyyyyy kissksiskiskisss.