One of the disadvantages (in fact, pretty much the only disadvantage) in having a pet cat rather than a dog, is that they’re so unreadable and untrainable. There doesn’t seem to be any good books on the subject, no TV programmes with leather clad weirdos saying ‘It’s me or the kitty’ (p.s. it’d be you).

I’ve often dreamed of a 10minute period where my cats and I could communicate. These are the things I’d want to say…

  1. Please stop scratching the fricking carpet!
  2. Please keep away from roads, they’re dangerous and I’d be heartbroken to lose you
  3. Pleeease, sit on my lap just for a bit.
  4. I love you loads and when I shout at you for fighting I don’t mean to scare you
  5. What the hell are you thinking and why does your sister lie on her back with her legs in the air?
  6. Good god stop trying to wake me up at 6am every day
  7. The reason I call you Fatty isn’t because you’re fat, it’s because it seems to make you a bit miffed and confused and that makes you look even more cute
  8. When you go in the car, please *please* don’t poo in one end of the cat basket and hurl in the other end.
  9. The vet puts that thing in your bottom for your own good, stop sweating through your paws when he does it
  10. Why, *why* did you decide to eat that entire shoe box, bit by bit? Is it because it’s your sisters little boat and you wanted to sink it?