Will you people ever learn?

Right, first I have to tell you all how to survive in a horror film scenario, now after watching Open Water 2 it seems like I have to tell you how to survive being stupidinaboat.

  1. Firstly and most importantly, look out for the troublemakers. These tend to be emotional women or agressive men. Keep a safe distance from these sorts as they’ll tend to destroy/lose the one bloody thing that is between you and a damp death.
  2. There is always an item, *the item* that is going to lead to your rescue. DO NOT LOSE IT OR BREAK IT. Just remember Step 1 and use the item slowly and carefully. If you feel yourself begining to panic (oh you will, you really will) just take a few moments to get control.
  3. If everyone else is panicking or being useless, just keep some distance from them otherwise if you do have a useful item and it happens to be a knife, then you’ll just end up stabbing them repeatedly and attracting sharks. Not good (the sharks aren’t good, stabbing the annoying people is).
  4. Rank your available options, don’t waste energy. If you think you can somehow leap out of the water defying the laws of gravity then you’re sorely mistaken. Remember there is usually only one solution, the rest are just there for dramatic purpose.
  5. Always go sailing with the following types…
    • A few annoying people, because they’ll be the ones who die
    • Hang around with the Mum’s or cute 20something girls – they’ll be the ones who survive, unfortunately statistically speaking they’ll be the only ones to survive as you’ll die surprisingly at the last moment.
    • Someone really boring and practical who’d probably not have gone in the water in the first place.
  6. Wasn’t it bloody obvious? Cut a hole in the boat! OK OK according to the rules above this implies that you haven’t lost or broken the knife.
  7. Unfortunately, all this advice is useless because the damned script writer is always going to throw a spanner in the works, therefore the only advice I can give you that is fail safe is as follows
    • Be a pregnant Mum in all circumstances, you’ll be fine.